For My Friend
First: I am so sorry you feel this way. I know I can’t do anything about it (in the long term), but maybe I can make the next 5 mins better.
Second: I’m not trying to be discouraging and take away your umbrella (since its already raining on your parade (ha? funny?)) but I really think you should consider taking some time off after this semester is over. I (and all of your followers) have been watching you get worse and worse. It seems to me like school is causing you to be more depressed and taking energy that you could/should be devoting to feeling better. Even if you just have a semi-relax summer and try to feel better, I think that would help. I know for sure that going on the way you are right now will not lead to good things.
Third: and this one will be really hard for you to understand. You can feel better. Yes. You can. I’m not gonna say its easy, cus its not, but it is possible. I don’t want to make light on your experience or make this about me, but I was so depressed last semester that I had to drop out of school, go to a mental home and I was almost forced into taking meds. BUT, I feel bettter. <-proof that it can get better.
I don’t want to overwhelm or scare you, but maybe its also time to look into changing your medication routine? What you are doing now is really not working and maybe what you are on doesn’t talk to your brain?
The hardest part about depression is the cycle. You feel depressed so you use your inefficient coping mechanism (mine are sleeping and not eating.) the failure of your chosen coping method makes you more depressed so you withdraw which makes you lonely/feel abandoned/unloved which makes you depressed so you use your chosen coping method and blah blah blah. After a while you just dont have the energy to do anything. Which I’m sure, judging from your last post, you know too much about. I can really identify with the wanting to sleep your self to death thing. I tried. It doesn’t really work.
But babe, you are really worrying me and I know I know you don’t want people to worry but bullshit. I care about you and seeing you hurting and in this place is painful for me.
I love you and I dont want to watch you slowly waste away until there is nothing left of you but bitterness and depression. I remember in high school gym class when you were more lively and outgoing and less overwhelmed. I know that there were alot of problems then too, and that you have been able to work through some of those; but I think about you in high school asking the black girls in class how to “walk it out” and how to tell if you “have a big booty” and then I think about you in college … constantly overwhelmed, tired, struggling with attaching to reality (escaping into your fandoms instead of doing homework) … and I can’t help but think that the high school you was better. At least then you laughed.
You are such a strong person, and I know it must not feel that way now but I don’t know many people who could finish junior year of college as deeply depressed as you are. And certainly not with A’s. Think about me, I’m sure you consider me a strong person- having a baby and all- but I couldn’t make it through college.
I believe that you can finish this semester. I believe you can get decent grades. I believe in you. I believe that you are stronger than your depression. I believe that you can do it. I believe that you can throw off your depression and smile without effort and laugh without thinking about it. I believe in you.
Now smile! (did it work?)
